i can come across as sharp, at times, even bitter or sad, but it's hardly true
you find in me something unspoken that i hadn't dared touch but still wanted badly to see
everything i write is in the form of love letters to you don't you know that by now? certainly
it must be totally obvious
i don't know who you are
although i've met you several times
and spent so much time with you
there is something harsh in being with you without being there
but it is satisfying nonetheless
except describing it
talking about it
isn't so good, so much of the time
yet some aromas come up as the words leave my fingers
like peppermint
parsimmon
cumin
(which smells a bit like sweat)
rosemary and lavender, then
i rubbed my own shoulders this morning, in an effort to relieve the aching muscles in my neck
it helped for a while - an icy cold was there, and i felt it
but i wished for something else
a little cup of shaved ice with some cherry juice on would have been good now
alas, i could not have it, so i went for the little bread with eggs and ham and cheese instead
a croque monsieur almost
it was either way incredibly good
incredibly delicious, just perfectly savoury, and otherwise
well i don't know what's the point of this. if all i want to do in my days are things which are creative and then elsewise
why is this something i bother wasting my time on
switches in my head yeah right
i mean, i believe in it
i believe in so many things, like we have an apothecary in our own head its true
i heard it on the radio i tend to believe it
but switches are harder because you adjust them yourself
but there really are such things that you don't want to get used to
you don't want them to get better
so why are you here, my dear? is this just a fun play trip for you? something to brag to your friends about?
hah, nevertheless, it's paid for, room and lodging, even an occasional piece of bread
in the morning
dip it in your coffee, it's not so bad
i got into the habit of eating something sweet each day
it's like a reward
you got through another day, good you
good good, very good
so here is your reward
there are no more rewards (i decided to stop)
then they all told me to write, i thought, they're older
maybe they're right
will you recognize yourself in this? will you see where you belong? can you tell what's true, what's made up?
will you tell me later? will you remind me, it was not what i said
it was not what i meant
or,
that must be me. she means me. well, you know, you should know, i do. i mean this for you, but perhaps you won't know for a while. perhaps you won't know. but it's for you.
several things are harder than they used to be. realizing that my dreams aren't true when i dream of home. waking up and not being able to call my grandmother with a normal phone. noticing that fall isn't the same everywhere, but it still gets colder. i put on pants for the first time in the summer and say, well, that's that, summer! we had a ball, we really did. there were things i did that were fun and sad and very good. but i will see you next year, you know i will, really, i will. we will be there, all of us, where you last left us. summer says, he he, okay. see you soon.
i continue, although i'd prefer to open a new document
it's more harmless
perhaps this won't be continued for so long
i dream of something that will seize me, one day
and i think, then it will be something quite different
from what it's been before.
there is a level of threat to it, threatening the present:
just you watch it! another day will come, and it'll beat you to a pulp! that's right, blue and bloody!
watch it, day of today. you won't last long.
you find in me something unspoken that i hadn't dared touch but still wanted badly to see
everything i write is in the form of love letters to you don't you know that by now? certainly
it must be totally obvious
i don't know who you are
although i've met you several times
and spent so much time with you
there is something harsh in being with you without being there
but it is satisfying nonetheless
except describing it
talking about it
isn't so good, so much of the time
yet some aromas come up as the words leave my fingers
like peppermint
parsimmon
cumin
(which smells a bit like sweat)
rosemary and lavender, then
i rubbed my own shoulders this morning, in an effort to relieve the aching muscles in my neck
it helped for a while - an icy cold was there, and i felt it
but i wished for something else
a little cup of shaved ice with some cherry juice on would have been good now
alas, i could not have it, so i went for the little bread with eggs and ham and cheese instead
a croque monsieur almost
it was either way incredibly good
incredibly delicious, just perfectly savoury, and otherwise
well i don't know what's the point of this. if all i want to do in my days are things which are creative and then elsewise
why is this something i bother wasting my time on
switches in my head yeah right
i mean, i believe in it
i believe in so many things, like we have an apothecary in our own head its true
i heard it on the radio i tend to believe it
but switches are harder because you adjust them yourself
but there really are such things that you don't want to get used to
you don't want them to get better
so why are you here, my dear? is this just a fun play trip for you? something to brag to your friends about?
hah, nevertheless, it's paid for, room and lodging, even an occasional piece of bread
in the morning
dip it in your coffee, it's not so bad
i got into the habit of eating something sweet each day
it's like a reward
you got through another day, good you
good good, very good
so here is your reward
there are no more rewards (i decided to stop)
then they all told me to write, i thought, they're older
maybe they're right
will you recognize yourself in this? will you see where you belong? can you tell what's true, what's made up?
will you tell me later? will you remind me, it was not what i said
it was not what i meant
or,
that must be me. she means me. well, you know, you should know, i do. i mean this for you, but perhaps you won't know for a while. perhaps you won't know. but it's for you.
several things are harder than they used to be. realizing that my dreams aren't true when i dream of home. waking up and not being able to call my grandmother with a normal phone. noticing that fall isn't the same everywhere, but it still gets colder. i put on pants for the first time in the summer and say, well, that's that, summer! we had a ball, we really did. there were things i did that were fun and sad and very good. but i will see you next year, you know i will, really, i will. we will be there, all of us, where you last left us. summer says, he he, okay. see you soon.
i continue, although i'd prefer to open a new document
it's more harmless
perhaps this won't be continued for so long
i dream of something that will seize me, one day
and i think, then it will be something quite different
from what it's been before.
there is a level of threat to it, threatening the present:
just you watch it! another day will come, and it'll beat you to a pulp! that's right, blue and bloody!
watch it, day of today. you won't last long.